July 2022

Dear Rykelan,

This month marked the first big plot twist in our life together. Just a few days before the one-year anniversary of meeting you, our case worker told us that your Momma Kenzie was doing better and would be getting custody back.

I still remember the shock of that moment. It was so hard to think. My brain didn’t want to work, didn’t want to compute this new information. Your dad and I were happy for your Momma Kenzie, and we knew how much you loved her, but we were scared.

Scared that things wouldn’t stay okay.

Scared that we wouldn’t be there to protect you.

Scared that we wouldn’t get to see you ever again.

If you were still here, I don’t think I’d ever admit to you how scared I was. That was for me to hold in my heart. It wasn’t your burden to carry, especially when you were just a little guy. But you’re not here anymore, so it feels okay to admit.

I was so scared and so utterly heartbroken.

But your dad and I knew this was the job we signed up for. We knew our purpose was to love you as fiercely as we could and then do everything in our power to help you make an easy transition to moving out of our home.

I guess that’s always the job of parents — to love their children fiercely knowing that some day they’ll move out. Most parent get 18+ years, though. At this point, we’d only had a year.

Still, we helped facilitate extra visits with your mom, including on weekends. We did our best to try to help you transition, even though swapping cars in that gas station parking lot half-way between our homes was always rough.

It’s taken me a long time to write about this part of our journey. Months and months and months of avoiding this post.

I miss you so much, nugget.

Love you forever,

Mom

PS - I’ll come back and add photos later <3